Death where is your sting?

Below is a long post from a friend and co-worker of mine, Jay Tornquist.

I posted the entire story from Jay because to me it is very powerful and editing it down takes away some if its power. Jay literally faced his own mortality twice in his life.

How he faced his mortality is inspiring. I wasn't there the first time but I was the second time. I hope you find the story to be as up lifting as it is meant to be.

Each of us, when we are asked to give our life story, has a defining moment in our lives. Mine occurred on a fishing trip about 25 years ago:
Our family loves to fish….always has and hopefully always will. During this period of my life, about every three years we were able to go where the BIG fish grew – upper Manitoba. This particular fishing trip began on June 7, 1990. This was to be my grandpa's last trip to Canada fishing, so it had special significance for all of us. Wendell, my dad's cousin, was joining us for the first time. There were six of us in all on this trip: grandpa, my dad, my brother Rod, my uncle Sheldon, and my dad's cousin Wendell.

We flew into a lake called Goosehunting on the Nelson River. To get to this lake, we drove 1000 miles to Thompson, Manitoba then we hopped on an old World War 2 twin engine airplane. After an hour of bumping and bouncing somewhere between 500 and 4000 feet in the air, we landed on a lake with high hopes and nauseous stomachs. We were 100 miles from the nearest town, without telephone or radio and no roads or transportation except where we could go by boat. The fly in fishing outfitter that we hired had told us about a dam that was about 10 to 15 miles towards the Hudson Bay, but that would be our only hope of communication if we were to need it.

Fishing that first day was outstanding! We were fishing for northern pike and we brought in many large ones, with the biggest about 22 pounds. It seemed like someone in the boat always had a fish on the line! Sunday began the way Saturday had left off. We were catching so many big fish that we weren’t even netting anything smaller than 10 pounds. When we went in for a late afternoon meal, Rod and I decided to go out again that evening to a big bay to our east that we had noticed on the map. Once back in the bay, we had the most exciting fishing experience of our lives. Huge northern pike were feeding on small minnows in the shallow waters, causing swirls that reminded me of the “tornado” that the bath water would create when mom pulled the plug when we were kids. We would cast into the middle of that swirl and BAM, a huge pike would attack whatever we through at them! After a couple of hours of fishing we had caught 20 or more large northern pike! We were fishing "catch and release", so we only had three fish with us on our stringer, enough for the evening meal. As we cruised back to the cabin in the boat we both commented on how time had seemed to just stand still for us. Rod always has had a far greater vocabulary use than I, so I asked him if there was a word for this- he promptly replied “It is a Kairos moment… a moment of time in your life that you never want to end.” It was a once in a lifetime experience that Rod and I had the privilege of sharing together. Little did we know that we were just about to experience the most horrifying experience of our lives together as well!

Fish cleaning has always been Rod’s responsibility during the fishing trips and this trip was to be no exception. I usually stick around and help clean up, but as we started, we decided that we were going to clean the fish in the boat out on the river because the mosquitoes were so terrible. Canada’s mosquitoes are just about as big as birds and it's wise to avoid them whenever possible… or so we thought. A few pints of blood to the mosquitoes would've been a small price to pay as we look back on what was about to happen.

Rod cleaned the fish on the bench type seat between us so that we could talk while he cleaned fish and I drove around in circles keeping the mosquitoes away. When he finished I sped the boat towards shore to run it up on the raft-like structure that was built to pull the boat up on. I shut off the motor. I wasn't sure how to get it to stay up, so I asked Rod to come and help. He told me that he would give me the knife and the fish to take up to the cabin while he took care of the motor. He had the knife in his left hand- it was a big filet knife with a 10 inch blade- and he was stepping back to give it to me when his foot came down on the seat in between us. He had forgotten that he had cleaned slimy pike on that seat and his foot went out from under him like he had stepped on ice! I had still been tinkering with the motor and as Rod slipped, I turned around. Seeing that he was about to fall into the lake I instinctively reached up with my hands and arms to catch him, forgetting that he had the knife in his left hand, which was coming down full force trying to help him catch his balance. I felt a blow to my arm and as I looked down, the full blade of the knife had slashed my wrist for six full inches -- straight to the bone!

As the knife hit my arm (in Rod's words) "Blood exploded everywhere!" The realization of what had happened instantly dawned on both of us. Rod grabbed my slashed wrist with his right hand and squeezed with all his might, trying to stop the bleeding. As we were walking towards the cabin, I was overcome by a feeling that I have trouble describing. At that moment, I was sure that I was going to die….. but inside of me there was an absolute conviction that I was going to heaven! I can remember thinking how hard it would be for Kathy to raise our two children, Peter (5) and Hannah (3) without a husband. However, what I remember most is the complete absence of fear; I wasn't afraid to die because I was going to spend eternity with Jesus! (For 25 years I have tried to find the right descriptive word for how I felt at that moment. I have used "excited" over and over. I feel a little awkward and even have a little guilt when I say it. I shouldn't be excited when I was injured and possibly going to die!!!......but I was. That is how I felt for a brief period of time.)

In his journal, Rod put it this way:

“Jay never panicked, in fact, he seemed almost at peace in the midst of what seemed to both of us a great possibility that he could die. We both walked up to the cabin, my hand still squeezing his wrist, and Jay still walking in the peace that the Lord was granting him.”

It wasn't anything heroic or being a tough guy - it was the assurance of salvation!
As we walked the 50 yards from the boat to the cabin we began to assess our situation… No phone, no radio, no travel, no way out. Little did we know that the Lord had already been at work to save my life, even before the accident occurred. I had been wearing a heavy flannel shirt and had rolled the sleeves up twice. The shirt stopped the knife from cutting the main artery and also worked as a perfect compress to help stop the flow of blood.

Once inside the cabin, Dad and Shell took over. Shell got out the first aid kit, put a compress on the wound and put a tourniquet on my arm in case we had severed an artery. Dad covered me up with a blanket so that I would not go into shock. Grandpa Leonard went to his bed to pray for me, Wendell and Rod ran for the boat, speeding away to our only hope of communication with the outside world… the dam.

As I lay on the floor at the cabin, I knew that Rod had gone for help. From my perspective, I had a couple of hours to contemplate dying (which I had already considered) or if they didn’t find anyone at the dam, facing the very real possibility of trying to keep gangrene away and save my arm and my life as I would have to wait for the plane to come back in six days. This possibility was the hardest one for me to consider. I could wrap my mind around being rescued, I could deal with the prospect of a quick death, but the idea of lying there for a week dealing with an infected arm and its consequences was the hardest for me. However, with the encouragement of those in the cabin with me, we tried to stay positive, and were to a large part pretty successful. In regards to what was happening in Rod’s boat, I think the best and most accurate way to share the next few hours with you is to take it from his perspective, since he, many years ago, wrote this firsthand account:

FROM ROD:

Meanwhile, Wendell and I were moving that little boat toward the dam as fast as we could go. It was about a half an hour trip and we were beginning to get concerned because it was already 10 o'clock in the evening. We were both praying for Jay and that the dam would provide some help for us. When we got to the dam I just headed for the nearest buildings and ran the boat up on the shore. Wendell made some comment about just missing a rock but I didn't pay any attention. We ran from the boat to the housing project along side of the dam as fast as we could go. Once there, we found help immediately.

The people at Kelsey's dam could not have been more helpful. They contacted the hospital in Thompson for us as well as located a private airplane to come and get Jay. This was another way that the Lord had been at work even before the trip took place; we found ourselves on the only lake with an airport that was accessible in the dark. If we had been at any of the other three locations, we would not have been able to get Jay out that evening. One of the workers at Kelsey's dam volunteered to come back with us to the cabin to get Jay. As we went down to the boat to load and go back to the cabin, he looked at me and asked me how I got the boat in at this spot on shore. I told him I had just picked the closest place I could find. He said that he did not know how in the world we had gotten the boat in that spot without wrecking our motor. Wendell asked him why. He instructed me to look at the rocks in the water. I actually had to get out of the boat and lift it over some of the rocks to get the boat back out into the river! Wendell put his finger on it when he proclaimed it to be a miracle of the Lord. There's just no way that the boat could get into that spot!

While we were gone to the dam, Jay had been doing quite well at the cabin. The bleeding did not start up again and he seemed in relatively good spirits. We placed him in the boat on top of a bedspring. Shell sat next to Jay and held his arm up for the half hour it took to get back up to the dam. Shell then had to drive the boat back in the darkness that enveloped the sky (it was almost midnight) with only his watch to guide him. Unbeknownst to me, he had timed the trip from the cabin to the dam so that he could figure out when to turn off of the main river and find our cabin that was in the bay. We later found out that he had driven the 15 miles back to the cabin in the dark with huge logs floating up the Nelson River! The Lord had somehow worked it out so that he did not hit one log all the way back to the cabin!

Once back at the dam, Jay and I were loaded on the twin-engine airplane that had come to bring him to the hospital. While in the airplane thoughts were running through my mind: I now knew Jay was going to live, we were only 20 minutes from the hospital; would he ever use his arm again? If so, how much use of it would he have? 10%, 20%? I knew as long as I lived I would never be able to make things right and normal for him.

Prayer takes on a whole new perspective when we are in the middle of a crisis. My prayers at first were “God, please save my brother!” No King James language, no preamble, no post script, just direct pleading with the only One who can help when all seems hopeless. My prayers in the airplane were no longer for life, but for healing, for a miracle so that Jay would have at least some use of his right arm.

At the hospital, the nurse kept sticking a needle into Jay’s left arm, trying to take his blood. After about the fourth try, Jay turns and asks “What are you trying to do?” The nurse answers “I am trying to take your blood.” Jay looks at his right arm, where the blood has completely filled two towels on the floor and is still constantly bleeding and says “Why don’t you just stick a cup under this arm??”

Soon, the doctor cleaned out the cut with a rag and a liquid that just about drove Jay insane! The pain he was in was unbelievable. I had to hold his feet to keep them from thrashing around and kicking the doctor or nurses. The wound was longer than I had at first thought, almost 7 inches long, and it was very, very deep. Finally, they were able to give Jay some medicine so that he wasn’t aware of anything. I was beside myself with worry, but as the doctor prepared him for surgery, he gave me words of hope; “missed the main artery”, “missed the tendons”, “clean cut”.

Jay's arm will heal completely, and at the writing of this article is even now almost there. But our level of trust in God and each other will never be the same. God's faithfulness in the midst of adversity was even greater than we could've hoped for or prayed for! He healed my brother completely and also healed my broken heart. God had taken a vacation that we would never forget for its tragedy and turned it into a vacation that we would never forget for its triumph!

Triumph- that is a perfect word that Rod chose. In my case, it was a lifelong triumph over death. I experienced the peace and promise that we are given in the Holy Scripture, specifically in 1 John 5: 11-12. “And this is the testimony, God has given us eternal life and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life, he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.” I KNEW on that walk up the hill that I was going to spend eternity with Jesus, and that absolute knowledge has not wavered since. Verse 13 continues "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may KNOW that you have eternal life." The strength of this testimony is that it is available to us at all times. God is the only one who knows when we will be called home. But we can be ready for that moment at any time: whether it be today, weeks, months, years or decades. …..

Since this incident 25 years ago, the Lord has blessed me with my family and many different friends from all walks of life:

Youth Pastor - incredible students and families!

Jr. Hi Basketball and Varsity Baseball Coach for a few years.

Football coaching – what can I say? I met some of the best young people and worked with a group of guys who became very good friends! (20 years!)

Teacher at Community Christian School in Willmar – great students and staff!

Working at Willmar Electric for 18+ years has been a blessing beyond expression. I have worked with incredible owners/co-workers who demonstrate love and caring way beyond just working together!

Working friendships -- Work has also provided an opportunity for me to travel and meet new friends from all over the United States. Through ABC and NCCER I have met many people and have developed friendships that I treasure.

Sunday School Teacher – I still love to interact with Jr. Highers, I guess I am still a kid at heart!

Family, which has grown due to marriages and babies – what a blessing they all are!

Through the years I experienced so many blessings. Certainly our family has had a few major bumps such as my wife’s (Kathy) breast cancer, my son’s (Peter) mysterious life threatening "accident", and my youngest son’s (Nathan) Lymes disease, POTS, and continuous headache.... But on the whole, I was hopeful that Nathan would get better and things would get back on course: 7-8 years from retirement, enjoying good health, still playing basketball most days, work was going well, teaching was exceptionally rewarding, we were coming up on our 35th wedding anniversary, looking forward to many more when ---- WHAM! A life altering, life threatening, complete surprise hit me once again -- without warning! On December 17, 2015 I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia, a very aggressive cancer and MDS, a very serious blood disorder!

On that December day, as I was riding on an airplane with my good friend, David Chapin (who also happens to be the owner of the company I work for), I received a call from my doctor’s office. The voice at the other end of the line said, “I am sorry to tell you this, but the results of your bone marrow biopsy are in. You had 21% blasts in your bone marrow which means you have Acute Myeloid Leukemia. You also have underlying MDS (Myelodysplastic Syndrome) which complicates things. I am sorry to tell you this diagnosis-- it wasn't even on our radar. We need you to come to the hospital as soon as you can to start treatment, since time is of the essence.”

My life literally changed that moment. My plans changed from working with my friend/boss, to flying to Chicago to meet up with my family and inform them that I was diagnosed with AML and the prognosis was very poor - just a few months to live if a bone marrow transplant didn't work.

We were in Chicago because that is where Nathan was receiving treatment for his yearlong continuous headache and challenging neurological problems. Due to the urgency of AML, we didn't even have time to go home. On the way to the hospital, we stayed at Peter and Megan's house (our oldest son and his wife) which turned out to be a special time together. Knowing that I would be in the hospital in the midst of treatment on Christmas Day, they immediately made plans to have our Christmas celebration at their house that Sunday night, December 20th. It was a night we never wanted to end. Lots of treasured moments, but also many tears. I cannot express in words how sad it was to watch my three grandchildren, thinking I might not get to see them grow up.

On the next day, Monday, our whole family had the opportunity to meet with my doctor. 14 of us met in a conference room and he was very straightforward. This diagnosis was not good and my prognosis was no better. The best hope that he recommended was for me to take the chemo, and hope that it worked well enough so that eventually I could have a bone marrow transplant. We were informed that this was the only way that I could beat the cancer, because my body would not be able to do it on its own. A bone marrow transplant meant that I had to find a compatible donor, along with having successful chemotherapy, more chemotherapy, and finally the strongest chemotherapy and radiation with the intent of killing all my blood cells so that the donor’s blood cells could take over my body. We agreed to do the first session of chemotherapy because it was called the “gold standard” on how to treat acute leukemia. We called a number of different hospitals and there was complete agreement on the initial stage of treatment. It was called 7 + 3, which meant that one lasted for 7 days and one for three. I also would be receiving many steroids to help control any damage to my organs or my eyes, antibiotics to fight infections and fevers, and medication to control my nausea.

I left the doctor’s office that evening, had supper with the family, and then we headed straight for the St. Cloud hospital. That night and the next day were spent in preparation for the beginning of the chemo treatments. I was set for seven days of chemotherapy treatment, followed by a week of recovery, a bone marrow biopsy, and another two weeks of hospitalization to allow my blood cells to recover. At best, this would hopefully prepare us for a bone marrow transplant in a few months. This was all based upon successful initial chemotherapy treatment…..little did we know!

During that first week, when I was getting the chemo treatments, I felt pretty good. I was able to go on consistent walks (from one end of the 5th floor to the other and back) and I enjoyed having family and visitors around. I received hundreds of emails, texts, Facebook comments, cards, gifts, etc. that were of great encouragement. My spirits remained pretty high. We were even able to gather together on Christmas Eve, for a blessed time of singing, praying, and sharing. However, my condition soon changed, just as they had told me it would.

When I had completed the seven days of my chemotherapy, the following four days were the darkest for me. I couldn't eat, sleep, walk, sit up, read, check my phone/iPad, talk, or do anything else to help pass the time. I felt like I was in a time warp that would not go forward. I would watch the clock, and it seemed like I could account for every tick- the days seemed to last forever! Finding a comfortable position in bed seemed unattainable. I had to go to the bathroom every 45 minutes because I was taking a drug to get rid of the 12 pounds of water weight I had gained, even though I had very little to eat during this recovery period. I felt nauseous all the time. Two different nights I had fevers which set me back. I developed rashes on my upper back, bottom, and groin area from the transfusions. I knew these transfusions were keeping me alive, yet my body seemed to be objecting. Talking with anybody was very difficult, even with my family. I just wanted to make it through this, hoping that good news awaited me at the end of the tunnel.

The results that I received, along with my response to it, can best be shared by reading a CaringBridge entry that I wrote from 3:00 – 5:00 a.m. the next morning:

Sadly, the chemo treatments had very little effect on my Acute Myeloid Leukemia. The cancer blasts in my blood had remained nearly the same as before the treatments. The doctors conferred and decided that the "best" option was to do another round of more aggressive chemo. I highlight "best" because they acknowledged that with the results of my first treatments, and with my underlying MDS (Myelodysplastic Syndrome), there really were no good options. The option of a second chemo offers a 10% chance of even getting the blasts down, not to mention the colossal damage to the body that accompanies this. It also does not take away the underlying cause of MDS, which makes recurrence very likely. The doctors have made it clear that with or without treatment my life expectancy is about two more months. In the full light of the reality of our options, we have decided to forego any further treatments at this time and attack this disease head on by building up my body rather than tearing it down and through lots and lots of prayer! Before I go any further, there are a few things that I need to clarify:

1. Upon completing the 7+3 chemo treatments, which is considered the gold standard for treating AML, to get these results was certainly hard news to swallow! I, my family, and many of you have been praying that the results would be much better than this. To go through chemo again, with so little hope at the end of the treatments, just does not seem like a good choice. (Our doctors have agreed with us, once all of the biopsy results are in.)

2. I am not afraid of death! 25 years ago I faced death square in the face when I was involved in a knife accident and with the Lord by my side, I could honestly ask, "Where, oh death, is your victory? Where, oh death is your sting?" I KNEW at that time and I KNOW now that I will spend eternity with Jesus Christ in heaven! I have no doubt! Not because of anything I have done, but because of the saving grace of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who loved me enough to die for me and save me from my sins. (John 3:16)

3. For those of you that have worked with me, played on teams with me, coached with me, been friends with me, and played basketball, softball, or any sport with me, you know that I am not going to give up! In no way am I saying that I am done here on earth! I am making the road to recovery decision based upon what I feel gives me the best chance to not only survive this disease, but to beat it! I am not entering into it with the thought of having a good couple of last months, but rather with the wholehearted enthusiasm of, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going!!" I firmly believe that through the power of prayer and the strength that He provides us each and every day, that no matter what happens, His name will be glorified!!! PTL!

Once again, in the full light of the reality of our options we have decided to forego any further treatments at this time and attack this disease head on by building up my body rather than tearing it down and through lots and lots of prayer!

In my efforts to share my journey with you, I need to be transparent at this point – especially at this point. This was not an easy decision- in fact it was very emotional and didn’t come stress-free. I was told that the best option for me was to do the next set of chemotherapy. As I mentioned before, this was not a good option, just the better of the poor options. As I laid in bed thinking about it, it occurred to me that at least I had a 10% chance this way. I despised the way I was feeling after the last chemo treatment, but I had survived…..barely. Soon Kathy came to the hospital and I shared with her what I had learned. She looked at me and said, “I don’t think we should do any more chemo. It is killing you! I think we should build your body up with supplements, vitamins, and whatever else your body needs to fight this cancer! I don’t think we should continue to kill all the good cells in your body.” As weak and emotional as I was, my immediate reaction was, “You mean, just go home and die in two months…” Her immediate tear-filled response was, “Not at all!!! I want you to live!! I think we can do it by building you up and continuing in prayer. The last thing in the world that I want is for you to die!! I won’t and can’t accept that as an option! I want you well, and I don’t think chemo can do that!” Kathy’s love, her dedication to finding a better alternative, and her desire to have me live, truly saved my life! I firmly believe that Kathy’s love, insistence and persistence, along with the power of prayer, are why I am here sharing my testimony! (Oh, the power of a praying wife!)

The shortened version of the rest of the story that day, is that after discussing the options together, it soon made perfect sense to me as well. If I was going to die, at least I could go home and get some things taken care of and spend time with the family rather than be curled up in the fetal position, trying to survive another round of chemotherapy. But that was not the reason for our choice. We really believed that this option gave me the best chance for long term survival, a life where I could live normally and enjoy my family and all the other things I like to do.

The next day we gathered the family together to discuss how we should proceed. Everyone was willing to change their schedule to help out as needed:

Nathan (17) our youngest, has not felt well for a year and also, was carrying the load of his dad’s sudden diagnosis. (Nathan has had a continuous headache for over a year now, and a multitude of other symptoms). He stayed as positive as possible, but this was extremely hard on him…I know that he spent many dark lonely hours at the guest house, because he told mom she needed to be over at the hospital with me. He would come sometimes and we would “survive” together. He is glad to have me home so that we can spend time together again. We are becoming Yahtzee experts, and on nice days we enjoy shooting baskets when he feels up to it.

Abby, (21) who was working in St. Paul waitressing, said, “I can waitress in Willmar. I want to spend time with Dad and help Mom at home. I am going to move home!” Abby’s prayer, the night we were informed of my two month prognosis, was, “Dear Lord……..I need my Daddy!”

Hannah (28), and her husband Joe Hannig, live very close to us and offered to help in any way they could. Hannah is the one in the family who likes to express herself via social media. She also understands the encouragement it can bring. She collected many of the encouraging words, thoughts, and comments of people that were praying and she put them in a very special book for me to read. When you gather all of this into one 3-ring binder, it is almost overwhelming the support I have received! Joe, who was in the midst of meeting a deadline on getting their house completed, put me as a first priority. He would come and see me, saying he would rather be with me in the hospital than anywhere else….and he meant it!

Our oldest son Peter (31), who teaches in Chaska, was able to take off every Friday for the next month to help us get my bookwork straightened around. Taking care of bills, income, setting up a support system for Kathy and Nathan-- these weren't even on Kathy’s radar, but they weighed very heavily on my mind: "I won't be here in two months - what am I leaving my family with? How are they going to survive financially? Can I get this figured out for them in this short of a time frame?" To my relief and appreciation, these are some of the things Peter was going to help me with, along with doing some things around the house that needed attention. (Megan and the three boys planned on coming and staying with us which would be an encouragement and bring joy to me.) Megan has been such an encouragement to me. Her creativity and love have lifted my spirits as nothing else could have! She has blessed me with letters from the grandchildren – maybe a little help with Ben (2) and Levi (6 months) -- and she also wrote out a song and sang it for me on Christmas Eve. Megan (and everyone else that will listen) knows that I think she would win “The Voice” hands down, any year she finds time to enter!

On a side note, albeit a very important side note, in the timeframe when I thought I just had a couple of months to live, I honestly didn’t know what kind of financial situation I was in. Although my dad, brother, children and others had graciously and generously said they would take care of Kathy and Nathan, it still grieved my heart. How could I have left things so open ended when Kathy didn’t have a job and was needed at home to take care of Nathan? I cried throughout the late hours on a couple of those long sleepless nights. Then one day Hannah and Peter did some investigating for me and made this discovery: About four years ago, when I had wanted to drop my term life insurance to save some money when times were tight, my insurance agent Zach Gerdes, a longtime friend of Peters, actually convinced me to keep the policy! If I died, there was enough insurance to pay all the bills, mortgages, etc. and allow Kathy to stay home and take care of Nathan’s needs. (The kids actually asked Zach if there was an extra "0" in the number -- "No, that is the correct amount!" Zach told them. PTL!! It is hard to put into words what a relief that was for me! (My mom always said I kept more than my share of guardian angels busy!!)

I love all six of my children so much! (4 + 2) ….and my three grandchildren!......and my beautiful wife of 35 years!.......and the rest of my family…..and my friends……That is why I “fight the fight” and “run the race”! 2 Timothy 4:7 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” and Hebrews 12: 1-2 “ ...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith.” When God calls me home, I am so ready! But until that time, He has given me so much to live for!! To God be the Glory!

Introductory note: As so often happens, I have a hard time explaining things that I do not totally understand. In this case, it is prayer. I have full confidence in it, I believe God answers our prayers, I believe, I believe, I believe.......but I do not fully understand. This portion of my testimony tries to capture the power of prayer in my life these past couple of months. First, the answered prayers of many of you, fervently praying for my healing. Secondly, the gift of encouragement, a different kind of answer to the prayers of some of you. I am once again reminded of how limited I am, and how infinite God is! I pray and ask for answers A, B, or C and he gives me answers 1, 2, or 3! He is an all-knowing God and understands our needs far better than what we do. Isn't it interesting that we often pray when we can't do anything else in a tough situation, when in reality it should be the first thing we do in every situation!??!

I have a t-shirt with the phrase “Prayer is the Ultimate Weapon!” printed on it. I purchased it at a Sonshine music festival a long time ago. I have worn it many times, usually when I felt it had an appropriate message for the event I was attending. In my current situation, with the poor prognosis of my cancer, I held on tightly to the ultimate promise that prayer provides. It is a way that family and friends, who in many ways feel helpless, can truly make a difference. I had a passage of scripture on my message board at the hospital that explains what a difference the prayers of believers make:

2 Corinthians 1: 9-11 ("The Message" is a paraphrase of the Bible in contemporary language)

“It was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he’s the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing. You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation—I don’t want you in the dark about that either. I can see your faces even now, lifted in praise for God’s deliverance of us, a rescue in which your prayers played such a crucial part..”

Over the course of my lifetime I have had the opportunity to see God answer my prayers in many ways. He has led me in life choices; He has answered my prayers in direct and indirect ways; He has guided me by opening and closing doors; He has comforted me; and much, much more. All of these occurrences have been plain for me to see and understand….after the fact....I prayed – He answered. As I look back, I see answered prayer in so many areas of my life. The reality is this: I am not God, I don't have His wisdom, I don't have His understanding, I don't have His big picture, I don't have His knowledge, I don't have His nature ,etc. etc. etc.. I do not even begin to understand many things about prayer: why He answers some boldly and others quietly, some yes and some no, some now and some later. I just do not understand......yet it doesn't take away from the truth that God answers prayer!!

(I am in the midst of a prayer dilemma: I have prayed for my son Nathan (along with many of you) for over a year now....no apparent answers, even after a year of continuous, pleading prayer!! Along comes my situation, and God miraculously answers these prayers! There is certainly nothing special about me. I am a sinner saved by grace, just like all of us that have accepted Jesus as our Savior. What I do know is this: God is all knowing, all powerful, and God is love. He has a plan for each of us, many times a different plan than what we have for ourselves. I do have His love, and I trust Him completely! I desperately want Nathan to be healed! If it were up to me, I would trade places with him in a moment. But would that be best? I don't believe so. God has a far greater understanding than any of us can imagine! Incredibly, I think Nathan has accepted this, which in my mind requires a maturity far beyond his years! He acknowledges that God is preparing him for something special. He knows that someday his situation will be used for the glory of God!)

As many friends, family, coworkers, churches, extended church families heard about my situation, there were multitudes praying for me! It was incredible. It carried me through so many dark moments!

In addition to the answered prayers of comfort and healing while I was in the hospital, God answered prayer in a way that I have never experienced before. I believe I would be remiss if I didn’t share with you what happened, because I think, that when it is heard, it will bring glory to God! The glory cannot be claimed by any other! I was facing death squarely in the face, making tough life-altering decisions, fighting the physical battle against leukemia and the negative side effects of chemotherapy, when God supplied me with great encouragement through these confirmations of family and friends. Over the time that I was in the hospital, there were five distinct confirmations of healing that were shared with me, all of them occurring before I started getting better!! All of these instances occurred during prayer time – when we take time to talk and listen to God! Each of these individuals shared what they had experienced and all of them KNEW that what they had experienced was real. They didn’t doubt at all that the promises they had heard were true! Let me share these with you:

First, within a couple of days of my diagnosis, my Uncle drove to the hospital to share this with me: He had started his morning prayer the morning he received my news, with praising God for who He is. Then he began to pray for me. As he was calling out to the Lord, in the midst of resting between pleas, he felt an overwhelming calm assurance that "Jay is going to be okay; Jay is going to be okay." An amazing peace came over him! He stood up, looked out over the lake and in the sky was an eagle soaring, circling overhead, until it flew out of view, due to the nearby trees. Immediately following, another bird crossed the same picture in the sky------it was a Blue JAY!!

Secondly, my sister-in-law was praying for me and as she prayed, an overwhelming sense of peace came over her, with the words put in her mind, “Everything is going to be OK!”

Thirdly, was a little boy’s dream. He is 5 years old. His mother and I have worked together for over 10 years at Willmar Electric. On January 5, when I was feeling pretty rotten, his mom sent me this note...."We were talking about dreams on the way to daycare and my son said, 'I had a dream last night. I dreamt that God came down from heaven.' Mom said, 'Oh?' and the little boy said, 'He laid His hand on Jay and healed him!!'"

The fourth instance was when three girls from my Bible Instruction Class got together to pray for me. (I was their teacher when we received the diagnosis.) They prayed for me and as they went their separate ways a couple of very interesting conversations took place in their homes. One of the girls went to her parents and told them that even though it was a bad diagnosis, she had a calm assurance. She knew that I (Jay) was going to be alright! Another of the girls went home and told her parents that if God wanted a
miracle to take place, she was sure it would happen for me, and she believed it would......and it did!! All of this happened before I even started treatments!! And the incredible "rest of the story" is that all three girls continued to believe, even when I received my "two month to live" diagnosis!

Lastly, I received a card from the leader of Women’s ministries in our church. It reads: “I will never forget the day when Pastor Don walked into our staff meeting with tears in his eyes and said “They have sent Jay home on hospice, to die.” Our staff sat in silence, in grief…and we prayed. That night, as I was praying for you and your blood cells and your marrow……. I experienced a vision of the Lord. I only saw His smile, not His entire face. But I knew it was Him! And with that smile, I heard Him say “I will do that for Jay.” It was so shocking, yet so beautiful! It was so very real, that no one can ever take that memory away from me. Your God, our God, is smiling upon your life, Jay. With a heart of Gratitude!”

Indescribable!! Five different confirmations that I was going to be "OK"!

Are you able to feel, to experience, to understand, to grasp what these confirmations meant to me and my family when we received the news that the chemotherapy had not worked and that I was given two months to live? When I had absolutely nothing medically to stand on, I had something infinitely more solid that was my foundation. “ON CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK I STAND!”

As the Apostle Paul writes in Philippians 1:19-21 "...for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

“We are in the Midst of a Miracle!”

CaringBridge post January 12, 2016 “The doctors have made it clear that with or without treatment my life expectancy is about two more months. In the full light of the reality of our options, we have decided to forgo any further treatments at this time and attack this disease head on by building up my body rather than tearing it down and through lots and lots of prayer!”

Two days after receiving this diagnosis, we started to make plans to go home after one more week of necessary nursing care. While these family decisions were being made, while we were rearranging our lives, and while I was coming to grips with the ramifications of our choice, changes were starting to happen in my body. Since my platelets were at a rock bottom number of 5 (150-450 is normal). I was fully anticipating another transfusion in the morning. I had already received platelet transfusions five times and red blood cells twice. These transfusions are what had been keeping me alive for the past week, and it looked like this was to be my way of life for the few weeks I had left.

The next morning, however, my platelets didn't go down. In fact, for the first time, they went up! On Monday they went from 5 to 10 (If I were to guess, I would say that very few people get as excited about a 5 point increase in platelets as Kathy did that morning!), Tuesday they went from 10 to 32, and Wednesday from 32 to 76. (By this time Kathy can't even sleep at night because she is so excited about the next morning's platelet numbers!) As I talked with my sons on Wednesday night (both of them are really into numbers) they said, “Wouldn't it be amazing if the platelets doubled again?!” Wellllll, Thursday's numbers went from 76 to 161! My dad was with my brother Rod when they received this news. Rod was all excited, but Dad was wondering if he needed to pause on his prayers for increased platelets! We told him, “Keep on praying, Dad!!!” Friday the count went from 161 to 262, and amazingly, on Saturday (the day they sent me home) my platelets reached 419!!! As a result of these incredible numbers, the doctor in charge that week requested another biopsy be performed.

On Saturday, January 17th, with the help of my nephew, we left the hospital. I can't put it into any better words than the nurse did as we were leaving, with 10 hospital staff standing on each side of us, blowing bubbles in a “celebration” of sorts. She said, “We are in the midst of a miracle!!!”

Upon our arrival at home, all the kids greeted us and we commenced to having a very joyous welcome home celebration!! It was an extremely special time as a family! It was amazing that we could celebrate, when less than a week ago it looked like I was coming home with the prognosis of two months to live.

My first biopsy had blasts of 10% - 15%, which meant that my intense chemotherapy had failed in its effort to kill these blast cancer cells. A few days after arriving at home, I received news that the second post-leukemia biopsy (January 15th) revealed that my blasts were now down to 3% -- my cancer cells were in remission! There was even more miraculous news: The biopsy results showed that I no longer had any abnormal chromosomes, which the doctors could not explain! These results are supposed to occur after a bone marrow transplant!! I soon had a third biopsy which brought us more great news: “No evidence of residual leukemia!” Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

As of this writing, I am feeling almost normal again. My strength gets better every week, and I am working my first full week at Willmar Electric. It is so good to be back with my super supportive coworkers!! They have made it financially possible for me to take some time getting back to work, which is literally "what the doctor ordered."

I have also been feeling good enough to get some much needed exercise. I have been able to walk a few miles or attempt to play basketball at noon hour most days. (I feel like my conditioning is getting better, although I still have a ways to go.) I sleep well at night and only occasionally do I need a nap. In addition, I have to admit that I have adapted pretty well to my healthier diet and supplements. Everything has made a difference! I do miss my donuts though, and a few other things!!

I do have a couple of hurdles yet to overcome:

First, I have some “chemo-fog” which is the effects that the chemotherapy had on the brain. It has definitely impacted some of my memory skills (in addition to age :) ) and it also effects some of my reasoning skills. Kathy says she certainly has noticed it, but we both think it is getting slightly better.

Secondly, my blood numbers have fallen once again. I had this situation for four years before my leukemia, so I know I can live a normal life with these counts. However, we keep praying that they will go back up so that we no longer have to wonder what is on the horizon.

I marvel at the fact that God has done this amazing work in my life! I am extremely grateful knowing that my time on earth didn't end on March 8th, as was the original diagnosis! But someday (unless the Lord returns first), I will die, preferably later than sooner! Being physically spared from death, in this situation is an incredible physical miracle. But I can honestly say that it pales to the spiritual miracle of salvation! I get to spend eternity with my Lord, no matter when I am called from this earth!
Psalm 23 has long been one of my favorites, but it has taken on a new meaning to me. I have always been comforted by, and claimed, verses 1-6a, when in reality the greatest and most enduring promise of all is the last phrase – “And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever!!”

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.


Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.


You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.


In conclusion, I am not exactly sure why I felt led to share this journey….but I did! I pray that it lifted someone's spirit, calmed a storm, encouraged a believer, enhanced a walk with the Lord, comforted someone mourning, strengthened those in need, honored my Lord, and/or highlighted the saving grace of our Savior.

Thank you for sharing my journey! I have tried to be as transparent as possible, because hopefully this allows you to see Christ working in me. He has walked beside me each step of the way. He clothed me when I was naked, He fed me when I was hungry, He encouraged me when I despaired, He lifted me up when I fell in the pit. At my lowest point, Christ shines the brightest! When I have nothing of my own to give, He radiates! It is because of you, Lord! Tragedy to Triumph! Death Where is Your Sting?
God Loves You and So Do I!!

Jay

PS-1 Thank you, David Chapin, for motivating me to write my testimony!

PS-2 A special thank you to my family, for supporting me through the whole ordeal and for reading and re-reading these CaringBridge entries to help me make sure I was communicating accurately and helping me to capture the moments! I love you so much!!!!

PS-3 And thanks to all of you, for your support in so many ways: Your thoughtful CaringBridge comments, Facebook posts, words of encouragement, cards, texts, phone calls, meals, gifts, financial sacrifices to help us, volunteered services, and most importantly ---- your prayers!!

Thank you Jay for taking the time to record this story and showing us the awesome power of our Lord and Creator.